Me, Myself and I-pod = Closure

So, I just got back from a good 3 mile walk where I was able to spend some really good, solid quality time alone. (thank you David!) I needed the alone time more than I realized. I was about 1 mile in when tears just started flowing down my face. Next thing you know I was singing loud, I mean really loud (yes, out loud!) to my Ipod. (Got some interesting looks, but I didnt care!) I havent felt that free in a long long time.

Rewind 7 weeks ago:
This is the email I sent to my dearest friends on Wednesday, August 13.

Hi everyone -
Hope all is well! I just wanted to give an update on our crazy last 9 days over here...
Mia is doing very well - she is completely off of oxygen and out of the billi lights. She has her car seat evaluation today - where she sits in the car seat for an hour and if she doesn't have any apnea spells than she will pass that! One step closer to home. She is also doing very well on her feedings. She is almost up to 2 ounces every 3 hours... She is weighing in at 5lbs 5 oz now! I dont really have any great pictures yet -- but as soon as I do, I will make sure to send them. She is lovely!

On Sunday night around 4am I woke up to go to the bathroom and found that I was hemorrhaging. Dave called 911 and I got a first class ride in the ambulance (sirens and all!) back to Abbott where I was admitted. I lost 5 units of blood and had to have several blood transfusions. My CT scan showed that I had internal bleeding and that my uterus was full of blood. I had emergency surgery.(which went very well) The day is mostly a blur - but the 2 scariest things I faced throughout the day were being wheeled around in a bed with a 'crash cart' on my bed as 7 nurses ran around me in some sort of organized chaos. And then of course the blood transfusion. Apparently a girl my height has aprox 7 units of blood in her and I had lost 5. A normal hemoglobin count is 12, mine was at 5. I stayed in the ICU and was given excellent care and every time I woke up either my sister or Dave was sitting in the chair next to me holding my hand. I am home now and am feeling much better. I am on some iron supplements to get my hemoglobin back up - and basically am back on bed rest until the blood can rebuild.

After facing these last few months of a difficult and complicated pregnancy and then having an unplanned emergency c- section - this was like a kick in the stomach to our family. I tell you all this not to complain, but because I am very grateful for the family and friends and of course our new miracle baby. When things like this happen - everything gets put into perspective and everything around becomes clear. I wanted to thank you all for your support and well wishes, the thoughts and prayers that have surrounded our family throughout out these last months. I know, sappy sappy - and it could very well be the new mommy hormones - but I felt it necessary to let you all know you are an important part of our lives and Dave, Nick and I couldn't have done it without you.

Take care and looking forward to introducing our Miss Mia to you as she makes her homecoming in the very near future!
Love,Carissa

And now, here we are. I am ready to move on. I was watching Oprah the other day and there was this amazing woman on - she had just had a baby when a flesh eating infection over took her body. She ended up losing her colon, her uterus, her gallbladder and both of her arms and legs had to be amputated. She made it home to be with her family after 4 months. She walked out on stage with prosthetics. I bawled like a baby. She was so positive and uplifting. I have been dwelling on this event that happened to me, this event that almost took my life, and here I am completely healthy with my entire body in tact. Shame on me. So, today on my walk I realized as the tears were pouring down my face that I am ready. I am ready to be whole again and to put this and these painful days behind me.

What a difference an hour makes.

Love to you all -
Carissa